What My Resume Should Really Say

I hate job hunting. Applications are waaaay too long and they are all the same. Interviews are nerve wracking and awkward. I never know what to say in cover letters. I don't want to under sell myself, but I don't want to seem cocky either. Why can't we just be totally honest??

Here is what my resume should really say...

• I'm writing this in bullet form so it's easy to read. I know you managers like that. 
• I'm probably the best worker you'll find - for the following reasons.
• I don't fake sick because I'm a guilty person.
• I'm not late because running late stresses me out.
• I cover shifts because I have a hard time saying no.
• I'm a really good fake smiler and I know how to shmooze the customers. 
• I don't steal. It's just wrong. And sad that this has to be included.
• I'm tall, which means I can reach things that everybody else cannot.
• I bake a lot and your break room will constantly have treats.
• I also pack good lunches/snacks because my Momma taught me that way.
• I always share because I can't say no. 
• I'm dying to be a mermaid and if the opportunity arises, I will quit. Sorry.
• I like tacos and pizza way too much. 
• If a song is playing and I know the words, I will be singing and probably dancing. That shows personality right? 
• My hair is usually in a fun bun by the end of the day.
• I run on caffeine and not enough sleep. 

What can I say? I'd hire me.